Truth

 "Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?" That is the question that all witnesses in a trial have to swear to before they give testimony. In these past few years aren't there people you would love to see on the witness stand have to swear to that - and face perjury charges if they strayed from it.? I have a few in mind, and I bet you do to.

Why is the oath written that way? Because adding or subtracting from the whole truth is lying as much as telling a full fledged lie. Withholding information or mixing truth and falsehood is misrepresenting the true situation and can complicate or prevent solutions. And it is true that telling a lie many time doesn't make it true, nor does the amount of people who believe the lie, make it true. 

Now people may have differing opinions about facts, figures, people, events, etc. That is certainly up for discussion. But the truth of a matter is not. As someone famously said , you do have the right to your own opinion, but you do not have the right to your own facts. In work, at home, in any endeavor, especially working on a team, an adherence to truth is important. It builds trust, and teamwork - the next of the rules of the road.

belonging

A sense of belonging is not just a desirable trait - to have and to give. It is a very necessary part of life. Abraham Maslow, in his hierarchy of needs, places it just above security and safety needs. It isn't one of those "how long can you live without..." needs, nor is it a security concern. But it is vital to the quality of life. You can't just exist - that isn't living.

When people were asked what they missed most during the pandemic of 2020, the most frequent answer was "hugs". We were still connected via zoom, phone, email, etc. But what was missing was the physical touch - for obvious reasons. Smile were seen only through the eyes. Handshakes were replaced by fist and elbow bumps. We had communication but sometimes we lacked connection. 

Families had to avoid large gatherings. We didn't have our annual family campout at the beach last year, partly because of the large gathering shutdowns, but also because the campgrounds were closed. After over 30 years of doing it every year that was a big loss. Singles had it rougher because they were more isolated. At least for couples, like my wife and I, we had each other and though we were largely stuck at home, we share the same space and the same hugs.

Though the expressions of love and belonging are much easier with physical contact, don't let that be a barrier. Be open to others and demonstrate your concern in both word and deed. Let them know that you care and that they belong. And let yourself be open to realize that you belong - open your ears and eyes to those around you as they reach out to you. 

We all need belonging and that is why it is one of the Rules of the Road.

Respect

 "Respect your elders" we were always told when we were children. Funny that now many of us are "elders" and look to get respect. We tend to think of respect as something we need to show towards those in authority, due to their position of responsibility. We think of the definition that says  respect is "a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements. Those in positions of authority, and those who support them, cite this as deferring to their direction. Unfortunately often we have to respect the office since we can't always respect the occupant of it - like some recent political examples.

 But we also need to show it to others around us at the same level. One definition of respect is "due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others". This is a more mutual action. Respect for others works both ways and is a community building process. We need to be treating each other with respect, just for who we are. 

Respect does not mean always agreeing with either the other person or their ideas or stands on issues. Respect does not mean overlooking faults or failing to call out misdeeds. But it means that we treat others the way that we would want to be treated, and being an advocate for the growth of everyone. Respect means that no matter who we are, where we are from, or what our differing backgrounds are, we accept each other just as we are - fallible human beings. 

It is vital for team building, in every aspect of life, not just politics. Rule #1 of the Rules of the Road.

Rules of the Road

 We all had driver's training, one way or the other, so we know the normal driving rules of the road. And our parents tried to raise us to have acceptable behavior in public. But did you ever think about going above and beyond in our interactions with others? Trying to exemplify the best behavior for the best positive impact on society in all we do.? 

Politicians are stereotypically crass and calculating and focused on the end results - getting elected. I say stereotypically because it is just that, a broad generalization that blanket blames a group of people for the infidelities of the minority. It is hard to overcome in our perceptions, but there was one person in our recent election cycle who tried to stand out. He developed a list of principles that he wanted his team to exhibit and live out for all to see. His name was Pete Buttigieg, former presidential candidate, now Transportation Secretary  and he called his list (appropriately) the Rules of the Road.

I would like to share his 10 Rules now and let them percolate in your brain. Then over the next week or so I would like to delve into each one and share how I think they are applicable for us in our daily lives.

His Rules of the Road are; Respect, Belonging, Truth, Teamwork, Boldness, Responsibility, Substance, Discipline, Excellence, Joy. Taken together they envision a capable, caring, connection and commitment to not just slide by in life, but to excel and elevate the conversation and the work that we do so that we can leave this world a better place and help people be the best they can be. A better tomorrow for all of us. I hope you will come with me as I explore these in greater depth in future posts.:)

Never and always

We have a bad habit of using absolute words. Like never, always, nobody, everybody. I almost would like to have them excised from our language. Too often we use those words to judge, to stop discussion, to exclude someone or to over-praise. Phrases like "the best of all time" or conversely "the worst of all time" also tend to exaggerate and make an exclusive statement that is a communication stopper. That is one source of prejudice. We utilize group think and most often the always or never comments are negative. 

There are group characteristics but people are still individuals. So when you hear 'always' or 'never' consider it a red flag and carefully question the statements made using those words. We need to treat people fairly as individuals and not prejudge them based on some conscious or unconscious stereotype.

Also, if you hear someone say "you're not like other 'blank'" question it and if it is said to you, don't necessarily take it as a compliment.

While we should reject broad generalizations there are times for all-inclusive language. We started off our country with such a statement. While the existing reality was far from it, we had the aspirational statement in the Declaration of Independence of "all men are created equal". Living up to that has been a continual struggle with its ups and downs - that is why I call it aspirational. The language of the Bill of Rights is full of inclusive language - "Congress shall make no law...." "no person shall...be deprived or life, liberty, or property without due process of law". And the 14th Amendment "all persons born or naturalized in the United States...are citizens". Pretty inclusive language, eh?

I guess you might say that we should always be on the lookout to help every one we can , and never be engaged in hurtful behavior towards anyone. Yet at the same time be very careful to not blanket blame or disregard anyone. And always see people as human, because we all would appreciate being treated fairly. 

In the end watch your words.

Reinterpreting Mom

 Moms, we all have them, can't get into this world without them. We love them, remember them fondly on days like today , ride the up and down waves with them as we travel from children to adults through the maelstrom of the teenage years. They mean well and want the best for us. But sometimes the communication from their heart to our minds gets a little twisted sometimes. And of course, as teenagers we all rebel, some of us in more quiet ways.

Mom and Dad were not major rule makers, but there were a few. We all ate dinner together, no TV during dinner - of course phones in those days were attached to the wall and computers were in their infancy so no need to make rules about those distractions from normal family communication. We were told to take a little bit of everything (yes, everything) on the table and finish everything on our plate. We had to finish it all, or no dessert - and everyone wanted dessert. They were children of the Depression and food was precious so you didn't want to waste it. And you couldn't always get everything you wanted (war rationing) to you had to develop tastes for everything. 

Unfortunately it took my sisters and me years to overcome the compulsion of 'eat it all'. I struggled with "I paid for it I need to eat it or I am wasting food". I learned that my taste buds often were seeking something satisfying and they would continue seeking even if the thing I had on my plate didn't satisfy. So it made sense if something didn't taste right, or I was unsatisfied, not to continue eating something, even if I had paid for it. 

I also learned to choose wisely, manage portions so I didn 't have as much to finish. And I learned to trust my taste buds. There are foods that I grew up on, and suffered through, that I will never buy or eat again. I have had people tell me "you just didn't have it the   right way". No, I tried and my taste buds rejected it -I trust them.

My mom was also a worrier and sometimes overcautious. I have learned to stretch myself. There are things that I have done or do that I know my mom would worry about if she were here, but I do them anyway, just so I can grow.

I have learned to look back and realize what my mom was trying to teach me (and my sisters). She wanted us to appreciate what we had and not take it for granted. She wanted us to explore new foods and not instantly reject them. She wanted us to not be wasteful. And she worried because she loved us. I can appreciate that looking back. Teen years were not the best. I loved my parents but when I went to college I was determined to go AWAY from home to college.

One lesson that my mom taught me I don't have to reinterpret. She emphasized to accept everyone you encountered regardless of who they were, where they were from, what they looked or sounded like. Always expect the best of everyone. And she practiced what she preached. So that lesson has stayed with me all these years.

My mom passed away 42 years ago, but the lessons live on. If your mom is still here please let her know today that you love her. And whether she is here or passed, deal kindly with the memories. Mom's aren't perfect, but I think the vast majority mean well Try as you can to "reinterpret" their messages and find the growth possible there.

we are all leaders

I believe we are all leaders, in one way or another, whether we know it or not. There has been an ongoing debate in Toastmasters over the slogan "where leaders are made" because some people keep saying they are not into leadership just improving their speaking ability. I think everybody can see public speaking skills are in sore need of improvement, just by listening to statements of public officials up to an including some presidential examples in our lifetime. And I'm sure many people have encountered what I have - corporate leadership with bad speaking habits. 

But in order to have the training for improved speaking planned meetings have to take place which requires...competent leaders. For contests to happen, where people get better through practice, there need to be leaders who plan, lead, and judge the performances. And there need to be leaders pointing the way and exemplifying improved speaking skills to let people know what to aim for in their striving to improve.

Even in the non-Toastmaster world leadership is required for any organization to flourish. We don't act in society in solo bubbles. And why do we need to improve our speaking skills? In order to communicate better to influence the world around us, if for no other reason that to change the world for the better - for us if not for others.

Anytime you speak you are being watched. Not in a creepy voyeuristic way. But people pay attention to see if you walk the talk, if you have some bit of wisdom to help them handle life. To find truth in your words and light in your smile. People can be influenced for good or ill by your example, and in that you are a leader, even if you don't feel it or occupy a "leadership role'. 

The question is not "are you a leader?", but "how are you leading?". What message are you communicating by the words that you speak , and the life that you live? And why would you not want to improve that ability. In my training days my method was fourfold  fold: show my trainees how to do the job, explain why I did the job that way - what the end goal was, tell them to make any changes to my routine that they felt got to the end result a more efficient way, and then step back and let them go at it.

I would review to make sure the end results were correct, but I would never force them to do it my way just because it worked for me. I wanted to set them free to be creative. That was the goal of my leadership. 

So who is following you and what are you teaching them. You might be amazed at the people who are looking to you for leadership and what effect you are having on their lives. It might seem to be small, but to them it may be large and you are helping to change the world one little bit at a time. And if we all are working the small changes it can together make a big change in the world. You are a leader.